What goes up... must come down.

I am up.

I mean really up. I'm flying like a bird. I'm smiling, joking, laughing, skipping. It's almost sickening.

But it feels dangerous. The last time I felt this boundless and joyful, it was followed by an equally devastating crash. Now every time I feel happy, now every time I'm on the uphill slope of the roller coaster called life, I get nervous at my overconfidence because I almost *know* I'm going to fall. And maybe that's a bad way of looking at it. Maybe I should be optimistic and thankful for these days of peace and calm that I have been granted. I have been thanking Jehovah and praying often that this high continues.

I don't think I quite know what triggers the lows. I just started therapy, and already I've had a stunning revelation. I am codependent. Reading the information on codependency, I feel weak and disgusting. It's like waking up to realize that every single relationship you've ever had in your entire life is an unhealthy sham. I can't even trust my own definition of love. It's unsettling. Really unsettling. Yes, it is liberating to know that there really is a reason for why I do the things I do, but I never realized how seriously not normal I have become. And I hate so terribly to appear to be crazy.

Well that's a whole other topic, and I'm allowing myself to get sidetracked. Maybe that's what kickstarts the downs. I do too much thinking and soul-searching, and then I get all bothered. At any rate, I am happy to be happy. Perhaps it is because I am remembering to take my medication. Even so, I am anxious. Anticipating. It's like sitting on railroad tracks running through a heavily wooded area. You know the train is coming. You might even hear it coming. But you don't know when it's gonna hit. And you can't run. You can't duck and hide. You're just stuck.

I'm overwhelming myself with thoughts.

Le sigh. I'll save the dramaticism for later.

Today I feel blah.

Today I feel blah.

I feel listless and hollow like I'm going through all the motions.

Such is the beauty of postpartum depression.

Most of the time I do a fairly decent job of ignoring it. I stay busy. I sleep. I take care of the kids. I watch tv. I read a book. I play on Facebook. I play with my daughter.

Today, it's not working. So I feel listless and hollow.

It's a weird, bothersome feeling. It makes me feel like I should go lay down... but I can't. Two kids have a lot of needs, needs that come before my own. I'm not bitter about that. It's sometimes nice having two people that depend on me. It keeps me going and gives me purpose.

Still. There are days like today when those two little people needing me doesn't feel like enough to keep me sane. I feel loose and liquid like I could slip through my own fingers. For a control freak like myself, that's a very unsettling feeling. I need, have, to be in control at all times. Don't ask me why because I'm not even sure myself, and today I don't have the energy to psychoanalyze myself to death as I usually would.

Depression feels like a weakness. It's a weakness I've battled for as long as I can remember. Literally. There's been times that it's gotten so bad, I've felt as if I were at the bottom of a dark, deep pit with no visible way out. That's a terrible feeling. Over the years, I've become particularly adept at ignoring things that bother me. I bottle, bundle, shove it under the bed, and pretend it doesn't exist. Maybe that's not healthy, but it gets me by from day to day, which is sometimes just enough. I despise depression. I hate admitting to it. I don't want people to look at me and think, She's not in control. Because the truth is - when you're depressed, you're not in control.

That said, I don't look at others who are depressed as if they are weak. Yes, I know. A double standard. We are our own worst critics.

So today I feel blah. I feel a little better writing about it, though. It's good to have an outlet, even if you're talking to a bunch of people online that you don't even know at all.

And now I'm signing off because the toddler is up and around and wanting to touch my laptop screen and asking a bazillion questions and generally just being... a toddler.

Ahhh, the joys of mommyhood.