Today I feel blah.
I feel listless and hollow like I'm going through all the motions.
Such is the beauty of postpartum depression.
Most of the time I do a fairly decent job of ignoring it. I stay busy. I sleep. I take care of the kids. I watch tv. I read a book. I play on Facebook. I play with my daughter.
Today, it's not working. So I feel listless and hollow.
It's a weird, bothersome feeling. It makes me feel like I should go lay down... but I can't. Two kids have a lot of needs, needs that come before my own. I'm not bitter about that. It's sometimes nice having two people that depend on me. It keeps me going and gives me purpose.
Still. There are days like today when those two little people needing me doesn't feel like enough to keep me sane. I feel loose and liquid like I could slip through my own fingers. For a control freak like myself, that's a very unsettling feeling. I need, have, to be in control at all times. Don't ask me why because I'm not even sure myself, and today I don't have the energy to psychoanalyze myself to death as I usually would.
Depression feels like a weakness. It's a weakness I've battled for as long as I can remember. Literally. There's been times that it's gotten so bad, I've felt as if I were at the bottom of a dark, deep pit with no visible way out. That's a terrible feeling. Over the years, I've become particularly adept at ignoring things that bother me. I bottle, bundle, shove it under the bed, and pretend it doesn't exist. Maybe that's not healthy, but it gets me by from day to day, which is sometimes just enough. I despise depression. I hate admitting to it. I don't want people to look at me and think, She's not in control. Because the truth is - when you're depressed, you're not in control.
That said, I don't look at others who are depressed as if they are weak. Yes, I know. A double standard. We are our own worst critics.
So today I feel blah. I feel a little better writing about it, though. It's good to have an outlet, even if you're talking to a bunch of people online that you don't even know at all.
And now I'm signing off because the toddler is up and around and wanting to touch my laptop screen and asking a bazillion questions and generally just being... a toddler.
Ahhh, the joys of mommyhood.