I've Lost My Everloving Mind.

You think I jest? Oh, no, my dear darling. I dare not jest.

I have lost my everloving mind.

So guess what.  Hubby got a better job (yay!) so he makes more money (yay!) so we no longer qualify for state assistance (boooo!!). Therefore, daycare went from $400 a month to $680 a month.

Yeahhhh.  That's quite a difference.

My solution to the problem? Sure, I'll become a stay-at-home mommy!





Do you see, now, how I have lost my everloving mind?

Well.

At any rate, I've also opened an Etsy store and created a Facebook page so I can start selling my creativity. Hmm. That sounds rather odd.

See? I've lost my everloving mind.

I like that phrase. Everloving mind.

Everloving mind.

Speaking of which, there's a three year old fussing at me.  Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall. Toodles!

What goes up... must come down.

I am up.

I mean really up. I'm flying like a bird. I'm smiling, joking, laughing, skipping. It's almost sickening.

But it feels dangerous. The last time I felt this boundless and joyful, it was followed by an equally devastating crash. Now every time I feel happy, now every time I'm on the uphill slope of the roller coaster called life, I get nervous at my overconfidence because I almost *know* I'm going to fall. And maybe that's a bad way of looking at it. Maybe I should be optimistic and thankful for these days of peace and calm that I have been granted. I have been thanking Jehovah and praying often that this high continues.

I don't think I quite know what triggers the lows. I just started therapy, and already I've had a stunning revelation. I am codependent. Reading the information on codependency, I feel weak and disgusting. It's like waking up to realize that every single relationship you've ever had in your entire life is an unhealthy sham. I can't even trust my own definition of love. It's unsettling. Really unsettling. Yes, it is liberating to know that there really is a reason for why I do the things I do, but I never realized how seriously not normal I have become. And I hate so terribly to appear to be crazy.

Well that's a whole other topic, and I'm allowing myself to get sidetracked. Maybe that's what kickstarts the downs. I do too much thinking and soul-searching, and then I get all bothered. At any rate, I am happy to be happy. Perhaps it is because I am remembering to take my medication. Even so, I am anxious. Anticipating. It's like sitting on railroad tracks running through a heavily wooded area. You know the train is coming. You might even hear it coming. But you don't know when it's gonna hit. And you can't run. You can't duck and hide. You're just stuck.

I'm overwhelming myself with thoughts.

Le sigh. I'll save the dramaticism for later.

A picture is worth...

A picture  is worth a thousand words, right?

Well. I wrote an epically long and awesome blog post, which my phone deleted. (Gooo, Android.)

If I try to write it again, I might cry. So forget it.

And anyway, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Outside Looking In

A hideous beast
With fangs and claws
An angry thing
With snarling jaws
It can't be tamed
Or roped or caged
Its entire being
Consumed by rage

A weak little thing
So lost and sad
Behind a wall
Thought ironclad
With tears aplenty
With little hope
A tired being
Unable to cope

A mighty warrior
Strong and assured
Proud of the trials
It has endured
Borderline braggart
With thoughts to speak
High expectations
For all the weak

These three who battle
And hope to win
Ought not to fight
Ought make amends
For I discover
To my chagrin
I am on the outside
I am looking in

(Outside Looking In Painting - - Sabrina Cabada)