Monday, March 5, 2012

What goes up... must come down.

I am up.

I mean really up. I'm flying like a bird. I'm smiling, joking, laughing, skipping. It's almost sickening.

But it feels dangerous. The last time I felt this boundless and joyful, it was followed by an equally devastating crash. Now every time I feel happy, now every time I'm on the uphill slope of the roller coaster called life, I get nervous at my overconfidence because I almost *know* I'm going to fall. And maybe that's a bad way of looking at it. Maybe I should be optimistic and thankful for these days of peace and calm that I have been granted. I have been thanking Jehovah and praying often that this high continues.

I don't think I quite know what triggers the lows. I just started therapy, and already I've had a stunning revelation. I am codependent. Reading the information on codependency, I feel weak and disgusting. It's like waking up to realize that every single relationship you've ever had in your entire life is an unhealthy sham. I can't even trust my own definition of love. It's unsettling. Really unsettling. Yes, it is liberating to know that there really is a reason for why I do the things I do, but I never realized how seriously not normal I have become. And I hate so terribly to appear to be crazy.

Well that's a whole other topic, and I'm allowing myself to get sidetracked. Maybe that's what kickstarts the downs. I do too much thinking and soul-searching, and then I get all bothered. At any rate, I am happy to be happy. Perhaps it is because I am remembering to take my medication. Even so, I am anxious. Anticipating. It's like sitting on railroad tracks running through a heavily wooded area. You know the train is coming. You might even hear it coming. But you don't know when it's gonna hit. And you can't run. You can't duck and hide. You're just stuck.

I'm overwhelming myself with thoughts.

Le sigh. I'll save the dramaticism for later.

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