I guess that's the point of living, isn't it? Learning. We grow up... we change... we (hopefully) become better people.
Though I can't be sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm backtracking, instead of moving forward. I'm a sour old goat sometimes. I'm mean. I'm petty. I'm jealous. I'm selfish. I'm awkward. I'm a control freak. Then I try and I try and I try and I really have a sense of improvement... but eventually I get discouraged and fall into my sour old habits.
I'm not a fan of change, anyway. Call me a nerd, but I think what I loved about Anakin Skywalker most (during my crazy-obsessive Star Wars phase) was the fact that he was just. like. me. He hated - abhorred - change. I feel the same way. That's probably just part of my inner control freak.
I was watching these people ride down the highway on a motorcycle the other day and had to think about the one and only time I've ridden on a motorcycle.
I. Was. Terrified.
But I wasn't driving. And I seriously questioned the driving skills and responsibility of the operator of said motorcycle. I was rather convinced I was going to die.
At the same time, I want a motorcycle. I wanna drive one - I wanna see what it feels like to rip down the highway weaving in and out of traffic. Because then, I will be in control. Is it more that I'm a control freak or that I have serious trust issues? It goes back to the old adage, If you want something done right, do it yourself... That's pretty much how I feel, I guess. I feel like I have to do everything myself. I grew up like that, pretty much taking care of myself.
I really, truly trust no one - not completely.
But enough self reflection for tonight. It's starting to make my brain boil. And that's never safe, is it?
Good night, all.