Thursday, April 21, 2011


I'm not sure when it ends. All I know is that when I look back at the person I was a year ago, I barely recognize her. And when I consider who I was even four years ago - when I was eighteen - I just can't believe it. I'd call fifteen-to-seventeen-year-old-me young and naive. And I'd probably like to punch many of my old me's in the face.

I guess that's the point of living, isn't it? Learning. We grow up... we change... we (hopefully) become better people.

Though I can't be sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm backtracking, instead of moving forward. I'm a sour old goat sometimes. I'm mean. I'm petty. I'm jealous. I'm selfish. I'm awkward. I'm a control freak. Then I try and I try and I try and I really have a sense of improvement... but eventually I get discouraged and fall into my sour old habits.

I'm not a fan of change, anyway. Call me a nerd, but I think what I loved about Anakin Skywalker most (during my crazy-obsessive Star Wars phase) was the fact that he was just. like. me. He hated - abhorred - change. I feel the same way. That's probably just part of my inner control freak.

I was watching these people ride down the highway on a motorcycle the other day and had to think about the one and only time I've ridden on a motorcycle.

I. Was. Terrified.

But I wasn't driving. And I seriously questioned the driving skills and responsibility of the operator of said motorcycle. I was rather convinced I was going to die.

At the same time, I want a motorcycle. I wanna drive one - I wanna see what it feels like to rip down the highway weaving in and out of traffic. Because then, I will be in control. Is it more that I'm a control freak or that I have serious trust issues? It goes back to the old adage, If you want something done right, do it yourself... That's pretty much how I feel, I guess. I feel like I have to do everything myself. I grew up like that, pretty much taking care of myself.

I really, truly trust no one - not completely.

But enough self reflection for tonight. It's starting to make my brain boil. And that's never safe, is it?

Good night, all.

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