Forgiveness.

I was told the other day that I am the sort of person you can anger or offend in the morning and joke around with by the afternoon.  I felt pretty good about hearing that.  I felt that it means I am a forgiving person.

Right?

I begin to wonder.  Maybe it's not about forgiveness.  It is true, I will probably have forgotten about your offense in a considerably short amount of time.  I won't often hold much against you.  But I wouldn't say that I am consciously choosing to forgive and forget.

I allow myself to be exploited.  I let people get away with things for which they really ought to apologize or make right.  This isn't just people who have no love or regard for me; sometimes, it might be close friends or family members.  I have problems telling people no, first of all.  I will bend over backwards and go to excessive lengths, even at my own cost, to help others, whether they are grateful or not.

It's not a personality strength.  It's a character flaw.

Sometimes, people treat me unimaginably bad.  I mean saying and doing the sort of things that might make you never want to speak to them again.  But it never matters.  Tomorrow, we can still be friends, or at least cordial.  I strive to make other people happy, so if you shows signs of caring for me again, I snatch it up and come running back like a stupid puppy, ready to be kicked again.

It infuriates me to think about it.

The problem with this endless scenario is that PEOPLE. NEVER. LEARN.  You teach them that it is okay to keep doing and saying those things because tomorrow you will still do and say as they ask.

If I had to pick the thing I hate most about myself, this flaw would be it.

And I've known and understood this for a while.  What makes me so angry is that I can't figure out how NOT to care, so that I can stand up for myself and actually mean it.  I worry too much about offending people.  And I shouldn't even care in the first place.

I wish I could end on a positive note, firmly putting my foot down and saying, NO MORE!

I really wish I could.

Just. Be. Happy.

Those of you who aren't religious may not follow this post so well, and that's okay.

I came to a realization.

Well, first, before I get ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning.

My car broke. (Piece of crap.) And then my husband's car broke. (Also a piece of crap.) And currently we are both home, unable to find a way in to work. It's a pretty crappy feeling. And to boot, I have been face-to-face fighting with postpartum depression for a good while.

Then I remembered something. It was only here recently that I admitted on my blog that I felt as if we were to be struck with some big, horrible, happening, I might crack and crumble and fall.

Well guess what.

I DIDN'T.

I'm still standing. I didn't even cry or freak out when my husband's car broke. I didn't feel the need to. I just this overwhelming sense of calm. Like I knew everything was going to be okay. It's absolutely inexplicable. I had no real reason to believe everything would turn out fine. As of late, things are snowballing and worsening for us. So far, things haven't even totally started looking up yet.

But.

I'm.

Okay.

I almost wonder if it was a challenge by the Devil. "Oh, really? This girl's about to snap? Ohhh, okay, let me see what I can do to help her along..."

Um, sorry, lame-o. Epic failure, there. I've got someone bigger on my side. And honestly, I think Jehovah is the only reason I didn't fall apart at this sudden turn of events. Car repairs cost money, and two car repairs? Well, it ain't cheap. And I just got back from maternity leave, and we have a newborn, and I'm still trying to straighten out and manage our finances - and then THIS. But that's just fine and dandy. I'm moving forward. And I'm CALM.

Me? Calm? Is that even physically possible? (Sometimes, I've wondered.)

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is. And then I had an epiphany.

I will never be happy if I depend on others for my happiness.

When I fall into my bad spells and begin to self-hate and wallow, I walk around in this murky fog just begging for someone to come to my rescue. (Which no one ever does. Not that I'm bitter about that. Okay, yes, I'm a bitter old hag. Sue me.) But it's no one's responsibility but my own to make sure that I am happy. Yeah, it'd be great to have some support, but since it's just not coming, I've got to keep it moving.

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. -- David Leonhardt

All seasons are beautiful for the person who carries happiness within. -- Horace Friess

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. -- Author Unknown

My life in this world is never going to be great. That's fine. I have something so much better to look forward to.

All I have to do, for now, is survive today.

And then tomorrow will come. And I will survive tomorrow.

That's it. That's all I have to do. And since I'm going to be here anyway, I might as well...

Just. Be. Happy.