I was told the other day that I am the sort of person you can anger or offend in the morning and joke around with by the afternoon. I felt pretty good about hearing that. I felt that it means I am a forgiving person.
Right?
I begin to wonder. Maybe it's not about forgiveness. It is true, I will probably have forgotten about your offense in a considerably short amount of time. I won't often hold much against you. But I wouldn't say that I am consciously choosing to forgive and forget.
I allow myself to be exploited. I let people get away with things for which they really ought to apologize or make right. This isn't just people who have no love or regard for me; sometimes, it might be close friends or family members. I have problems telling people no, first of all. I will bend over backwards and go to excessive lengths, even at my own cost, to help others, whether they are grateful or not.
It's not a personality strength. It's a character flaw.
Sometimes, people treat me unimaginably bad. I mean saying and doing the sort of things that might make you never want to speak to them again. But it never matters. Tomorrow, we can still be friends, or at least cordial. I strive to make other people happy, so if you shows signs of caring for me again, I snatch it up and come running back like a stupid puppy, ready to be kicked again.
It infuriates me to think about it.
The problem with this endless scenario is that PEOPLE. NEVER. LEARN. You teach them that it is okay to keep doing and saying those things because tomorrow you will still do and say as they ask.
If I had to pick the thing I hate most about myself, this flaw would be it.
And I've known and understood this for a while. What makes me so angry is that I can't figure out how NOT to care, so that I can stand up for myself and actually mean it. I worry too much about offending people. And I shouldn't even care in the first place.
I wish I could end on a positive note, firmly putting my foot down and saying, NO MORE!
I really wish I could.
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