And, really, it's okay. I've had plenty of time to think about it. I took an entire week off work. (I was SO ready to go back - hah!)
Maybe it's just not time to have another one. I know that Jehovah knows better than I do. It's not known whether or not Jehovah will return babies lost before birth to their mothers in the new system. Somehow I am okay with that. If he sees fit, I know that he will give me the pregnancy back. It could be that there never was a "real" baby to begin with. In my humble opinion, it's better to lose a baby earlier than later in the pregnancy after you can feel the baby kick.
At any rate, things are going a lot better now :)
This has taught me a lot, though.
I've learned that I really can't rely only on myself all the time. I have a tendency to withdraw into a shell when things go wrong. I don't like to be around others, and I don't like to put my emotions on display. This, however, was something I couldn't handle on my own. I had to open myself up to others and let out my frustration and disappointment before I could move on. That was pretty hard for me to do, and I will admit, it was done quite begrudgingly ;)
I also learned that I need to rely on Jehovah more. In hard times, I pull away from him as well. I neglect prayer, and this usually ends with me engaging in self destructive behavior, doing things I know I ought not, as a way out of the close, personal relationship I usually strive to maintain with our Creator. As a parent, I can only imagine how hurtful this must be. Thankfully, I caught myself this time. I don't think I ever fully understood why I did the things I've done. Now, I get it. I can't really explain it, but I get it. I know that I don't have to go down that road anymore. It's like a light bulb turning on in my head.
I didn't take my Celexa at all last week either. Now I almost can't remember why I stopped. I know now that, though I admire those that can handle their depression well without medication, I'm not ready to stop taking Celexa. Sometimes, hearing stories of how others can kick it in the butt without happy pills makes me feel inadequate somehow. That's not at all true. I am strong for realizing that I need help. There are so many people I know that are too proud to admit that they need help. I think it's a positive trait.
I cut my hair and had my husband do highlights :) I am moving onto another chapter of my life. I thought I wanted a baby. Now I'm not so sure. I think it would be a better idea to wait. I finally asked my doctor about NuvaRing because I can't remember to take a pill at all. I was nervous because the Depo shot made me bleed for three months straight, and I've heard lots of horrible stories about NuvaRing and its side effects. Someone also told me they hated the NuvaRing because they could feel it. Well, I can't feel it at all, and I haven't had any nausea or bleeding (yet! I hope it stays that way...) so things are looking up.
Besides that, I had my three year old niece last weekend. Add a thirteen-month-old to the picture, and you've got quite a mess on your hands. Haha.
I need to get my new camera phone so I can take pictures of my new hair. I absolutely LOVE it :D
And please, no pity, because I honestly feel great. Better than before. I feel like it was an excellent learning experience! Maybe some people might think that is a horrible way of looking at things. Guess what? It's how I cope. And I'm okay. I might have lost, but I haven't lost everything. Things aren't perfect, but they are great. I have my loving family, I have my friends, and I have my God, Jehovah. What more could a girl ask for?